"You are like the wind," my husband tenderly explained to me last night. We were having a passionate discussion about our faith and our varying views on stuff like the Holy Spirit, politics, sexual orientation, etc. My husband has such an insight into me. This wind thing is something that I am well aware of and ashamed of. I tend to have flights of feelings, thoughts, convictions, beliefs. I know the Word says that we are not to be tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Yet, I also know it says that everyone born the Spirit is like the wind, where we come from and where we are going is unknown.
According to my husband, my windy personality is not something that I should be ashamed of. And it has occurred to me that the fact that I can be on one side at one point and the exact opposite side at another point can be somewhat of a gift. I can put my feet in other people's moccasins and relate, understand each side.
Yet, the battle for me is not the doubt or the change of my mind; it is my words. My having problems or applauding an issue is for my mind and heart to process with the help of the Word and my husband, but not for me to rant and rave to others' about. The love that I am to have for people is the big love of Jesus. He went around uplifting people, helping them to find the free life by letting go of poor choices. Gossip had no place in his vocabulary and if he ever did vent, it was to his Father and not to other followers.
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"I lead a small life, valuable, but small" ~ Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail
So often I feel driven to do more. To have a broader range of influence. Pulled in all different directions. And then, there I go again. Running away, retreating, hiding. Dipping my feet in the extrovert's personality only to duck and cover in my cave of a home.
And the people I leave hanging because I have forced myself to do something that, shortly, I will forsake and run from. I am not sure why I do this. Because when I start out, although it is a challenge to try new things, I am usually glad that I've have reached out beyond my comfort zone. But there comes a point where I have had enough and I absolutely turn my back on it. I have done this with jobs, with people, with projects.
My intention today was this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "Do one thing everyday that scares you." I guess what I am becoming more aware of is the fact that it is consistent repetition of something that I am scared of, say an unending job or project or need, that unnerves me. It seems that I do better with tackling the extrovert needs on a monthly or seasonal basis. Putting on the calendar: host a Christmas sing-a-long or invite these ladies over for tea or have a card game night with this couple.
But, above all, I need to realize that although my life is small and spent mostly in p.j. pants in the comfiness of my home, I have my big, sweet family that I am constantly giving myself for, you dear friends that I share my heart with as well as my monthly bouts in hosting social gatherings.
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"Shrinks
have couches, not guns." ~ from Bones. Today my blog posts have
teetered on the verge of shrink-worthy. And as I lay on the "couch" or
as it really is - my bed, I feel answers descending as I punch out my
posts on my tiny phone. I have seen many therapists in my stormy
adulthood. Most told me stuff I already knew. A couple really helped,
except that I didn't stay with them long enough. But
writing brings up both truth & answers. I am really starting to see
my writing as a conversation between God & me. So glad he provides
the gentleness of a couch & tissues instead of pulling out the big
guns. A comfy, cross stitched verse hanging in my parent's home sums it
up, "Thy gentleness hath made me great." (Psalm 18:35b)
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